I couldn’t understand why dating an overweight girl like me would interest anybody.There was no way that he could like me in that way.
After Mike, I tried to force it with a guy named Forrest. Caring, funny, talented, gentle, heartfelt, playful, passionate. Our friendship began that summer and stayed strong.If you don’t know how to give yourself love, you’ll be clueless how to give it to anybody else. Rob’s ambition, smarts and dedication intimidated me.I was still losing weight and learning to love myself when I met my husband, Rob. How could somebody such as Rob ever like (or love) a person like me?When I confessed how I felt, he replied that he’d known the whole time. And, he’d known my feelings about him for over a year and never said anything. At the time, I told myself I wasn’t being obvious enough.He also admitted that he didn’t return my feelings. Now I realize that refusing to address my feelings was already my answer. With Mike, I was too self-conscious to know my worth.I was waiting for him to tell me I wasn’t good enough, the way I told myself that every day. If you start a relationship when you don’t love yourself, you’ll have many hardships along the way. My peers were starting to have relationships as young as 12. In my experience, it’s better to let love come naturally.
They weren’t serious relationships, but I was still jealous. Even after goofy Mike literally asked me on a date, I didn’t take him seriously. We acted together in a summer theatre program called Second Stage.
And one of those conversations turned into how I met my husband. To stop worrying about others, I needed to start focusing on myself. I tried to lose weight because I thought that’s what society wanted.
You might assume that I was actively looking for a boyfriend on OKCupid. By creating an account on OKCupid, I was opening myself up to love, not setting a goal to find love. I asked myself: Losing weight was one way for me to do those things. In the end, those reasons didn’t motivate me enough to stick to my weight loss plans.
I was afraid he would realize how much work I needed.
I was waiting for the moment when he would finally understand me and be repulsed. If you can’t love yourself, you won’t be able to understand why someone else would love you. I didn’t love myself and didn’t get much love from my distant family or friends. You can’t replace self-love with love from another.
Before you enter a relationship, you need to be able to give yourself what you want to give another.